Jan 8, 2024

3 AM Thoughts From a New Mom

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by Katie Rapp

It’s 3 AM and all is quiet in the house. 

The moonlight creeps in the window, the hum of the dishwasher is heard from the kitchen, and everyone else is asleep as I rock my baby boy. As I sit here and hold him, all I can think about is what a gift he truly is. I’ve heard that saying my whole life – that children are a gift – but as I sit here in the middle of the night, every night, I experience the truth that it is. 

And what a gift it is that I do not deserve.

My husband and I switch off on the middle of the night feedings and I’ve admitted to him that this time can be lonely for me. This whole journey to parenthood has had its highs and lows – where I’ve felt very lonely and where I’ve felt as if I was exactly where God had called me to be in life. 

I would shed tears while listening to worship music and singing lines like: “I will praise you on the mountain, I will praise you when the mountain’s in my way”. I trusted in God’s plan for me and clung on to the hope for a child, but every negative test and every month that passed was still hard.

That time of waiting was hard. But looking back now, I see God’s purpose in the wait. I started praying for more than just a baby – I prayed for support and community in the wait, that God would use that time to mold my husband and me, to put people in my life that would disciple me and teach me how to be a good mom, to draw me closer to Him. 

Boy, did God answer those prayers.

Being pregnant is one thing but being pregnant for the first time during a pandemic… well, that added a little more to the pot! I absolutely loved being pregnant – every part of it! I was blessed to have friends pregnant at the same time to walk alongside me, but the loneliness was still there.  

I had to go to doctor appointments alone, birthing classes were virtual, and we distanced ourselves to protect the life growing inside of me.

Once our baby was here, it was just me, my husband, and our new son. We had so many nerves going into this whole parenting thing, but one look at that sweet face and we knew we were going to be fine. All that to say – those first two nights at home were rough

To protect other family members, our family could not come and stay with us. Having visitors looked like dropping off a meal at our front door and then waving from a distance. 

We felt alone and like we had no clue what we were doing, but knew the truth that God chose us specifically to be this little boy’s parents and that we were going to be okay.

Now two months in, we have a rhythm. We can tell the difference between a hungry cry and a tired cry. We learned to quickly change the diaper or else he’ll pee on you. We got past the fear of hurting him when we put his clothes on because he’s so little. We know which pacifiers/bottles he takes and which he absolutely hates. We know “You Are My Sunshine” or going outside will calm him down in seconds when he’s fussy. 

My husband and I know, even more, that we are a team and we are exactly where God called us to be.

I may have felt alone in all of these stages, but the truth is, I never was. 

God was with me in the waiting. 

God was with me during pregnancy. 

God was with me in labor and those first days home. 

And God is with me now at 3 AM, with unfailing love for me larger than the love I have for my baby boy.

What a gift that is!